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Cave Man Joe
Cave Man
Exaggerated painting of Joe by his bestie, Mac.
Vital Statistics
Title(s) Big-Tooth Killer, Bronto Killer, Chief Hunter, Club Chief, Mac-Friend
Gender Male
Race Cave Man
Faction N/A
Relatives {{{relatives}}}
Alignment +1 (Impulsive Cave Man)
Level 1
Status Inactive

Joe is a relatively stereotypical cave man. He is powerfully built, though not like the modern steroid-infused strong man wannabe so-called "professional" wrestlers. No, he is powerfully built the way someone who has spent his life hunting, fishing, lovin' the ladies, and outrunning dinosaurs is. He has a lot of muscle but he's earned every bit of it. He has a slight gut but that's just from eating a lot of good meat. His hands are rough and strong, clearly the hands of a laborer. Joe is roughly five feet tall (they didn't exactly have scales or rulers back in the Paleolithic) and has a full-body tan. His hair is dark brown, although it usually appears black (mostly because of what happened when he…well, read his history; you'll find out); it's short and very unkempt, usually bearing numerous tangles (when it grows long enough and isn't set on fire…oops, spoiler).

His jaw is slightly squarish, his nose looks almost chiseled, his cheek bones and forehead are pronounced (the latter is a wee bit flat and broad), and his eyes are a chocolate shade of brown. His teeth are surprisingly healthy (likely due to his diet, the fact that he picks them with bones or sticks or rocks, and the fact that he cleans them by chewing on leather to make it softer).

As to his attire…well, there isn't much to say. His food usually has a very leathery hide, which he chews on to make it softer (toldjaso). His clothing is best described as loin-leathers (how can you make loin-cloths if there's no cloth?). He wears whatever he feels like but the colors vary depending on what he's killed and the mood he's in. Sometimes, it ranges from dark-brown to light-brown or tan; other times, it has a deep reddish hue; he's even picked up the occasional bluish hide (although that was just from the plesiosaurus he killed, so there's only one of those garments). He wears the biggest teeth he can find around his neck or upper arm, and a woman showed him how to tie up his hair (when it's long enough) with a leather strip so that it forms a knot above his head, thereby (mostly) staying out of his face.

Like I said...your basic, average, stereotypical, every-day, run-of-the-mill, ordinary cave dude.

PersonalityEdit

Ah…the cave is the life! Running from dinosaurs, beating up other cave men that get too close to his woman (or women…or food…or club…or tools…or loin-leathers…or - well, you get the idea), hunting, fishing, having his way with his woman (or women)…yup. That's definitely the life for him! He's a cave man of simple pleasures. He tends not to understand complicated things like numbers, reading, writing, ladies first, privacy, dinnerware, table manners, and peeling bananas. In fact, he's not entirely sure what a banana is - except that you eat it and it makes good bait. He did figure out fire, cooking, leather-working, spit-making, tool-making, weapon-making, and the wheel, though - so he's not a complete idiot (just an incomplete one). But hey: as long as he gets good meat and all the time he wants with his favorite ladies, and as long as he can beat down anyone that tries to mess with him, he's golden! Right?

HistoryEdit

Well, the thing with Joe is, he's always been around Mac. The guy's almost as annoying as being chased by a tyrannosaurus; he's always trying to get in on the (female) action. He's always trying to one-up Joe. But he does make Joe laugh so he's worth keeping around - sometimes. Besides, it's always nice to have help when bringing down a brontosaurus, and how is he supposed to eat all that meat before it goes bad or make things from all those bones and all that extra hide? So yeah, he has his uses. They're basically the Paleolithic version of besties. They grew up together, learning to hunt and fish; learning their way around their mountain, hills, and valley; learning how to have fun with women; learning how to mix up clay and paint pictures on rocks; and so on. When he was twelve, Joe's friend Mac figured out how to mix clay; dirt; sap from trees; and the ashes from burnt-out fires to make a quick-hardening form of clay. When he was fourteen, he made his first solo kill - a pterodactyl; he also made his second solo kill - a lone velociraptor that had been separated from its heard by a tyrannosaurus; he figured out how to make fire (and how to set his hair on fire); and he got his first woman when he exchanged the fire for another cave man's daughter. Well, he traded the secret of fire, anyway.

It was his worst mistake, he realized later, as the guy then said he invented fire; no one believed Joe except Mac. Oh, well. At least he worked out what to do with Ursa (the woman he'd traded for). Unfortunately, three months later, a brontosaurus stepped on her. He was sad until he managed (with Mac's help) to kill a tyrannosaurus. That made him and Mac heroes among the other cave dudes. They both started getting all kinds of gifts, especially after Joe and Mac killed a man-eating plant that no one could hunt because of; it had been blocking the only safe way off the mountain. Another cave man, named Ugg, taught him how to make spears. Ugg also taught him how to make a tent (which was basically just a lean-to) from a couple of big sticks and a big hide. He took a couple of women from Ugg in a game of stones (stone-age marbles). Then, when he was fifteen, he figured out how to make a big wall with the clay Mac had taught him how to make. He got the idea to build a circular wall, and Mac gave him the idea to leave a hole in it and lay big sticks across the top for a roof (to enter and exit as well as to keep out the rain, respectively). His women, Eena and Enna, taught him how to swim.

Then one night, some very uncool dudes came in and stole all the women. He and Mac went on an epic quest to rescue them. They got lots of kisses (and other services) after they did. They told their tales again and again, until they finally became old news. Over the years of Joe's and Mac's youth, they slowly grew stronger and smarter (or at least wiser). Joe ended up figuring out how to chip away a rock until he formed a round stone that rolled a lot better than the jagged rock from which he'd carved it. The wheel became a fun and quick way to get down the mountain, although it was a burden to get it back up there. But it also made a nice weapon. Mac accidentally punched a hole in the center of it when he was practicing rolling boulders and caused a small rock slide. Using the hole, Joe figured out how to make a ramp out of two wheels and a long stick; Mac figured out that more wheels meant more fun, and they spent a week making a flat wagon. This made carrying their dinner much easier, and they got all kinds of favors and gifts in return for rides on the wagon. Their wisdom made them not only heroes, but pseudo-gods - and therefore very young elders. Joe also figured out that banging rocks against one another also created sparks, which made it much easier to make fire; this secret was one he shared only with Mac, and so the two managed to convince the other cave men that they really were gods because of how quickly they could make fire. Their obvious wisdom and power quickly went to their heads.

One night, though, the wisdom of their young lives culminated in an adventure to explore a new cave. Some sabre-toothed cats had decided that they liked their old cave a little too much; after all, it would protect them from the weather. It had lots of room for raising cubs. Most importantly, it had cave dudes to eat! What more could a bunch of bad-ass roaming sabre-toothed cats want? One of the cats ate three of Joe's and Mac's women before they figured out how to kill it. Unfortunately, this did not put them in good favor with the cat's friends. Naturally, the only thing they could do was pack up and run like fire was after them.

They got separated in the caves and hopelessly lost. They met up again just in time to get caught in a cave-in; that cave-in just happened to occur around an underground lake. They were swept away under the water, somehow separated during this event, and Joe is about to awaken on a beautiful beach - without Mac. He will be sad.

Powers & AbilitiesEdit

In addition to his prehistoric world renown as a champion club-swinger, Joe has been known to fish and hunt with spears; unfortunately, his spears seem to break pretty much every time he uses them. Maybe he just doesn’t know his own strength. Speaking of which, Joe is exceptionally strong for a human - likely due to his pre-multiverse lifestyle (running from dinosaurs, hunting, fishing, and wrestling other cave people or beating them into unconsciousness - mostly). He can lift huge boulders and hurl them (or smaller stones and rocks) at enemies; he can also use them to smash his prey.


Although he discovered that rubbing two sticks together very fast makes fire, he stupidly shared this secret with his fellow cave people. However, he and his best friend since childhood (Mac) are the only two who have yet discovered that you can also make fire by smashing rocks together. Although he didn’t invent the wheel, he (with Mac’s help) is responsible for the creation of the stone-wheeled wagon (basically a log raft with two log axles and four stone wheels); he is also the inventor of wagon rides, although his prices are steep.


Overall, Joe is a skilled hunter and fisher. He is a powerful combatant with a talent for improvised weapons and inventions but has little use for (or knowledge of) magic.

See alsoEdit

External linksEdit

VideosEdit

Joe and Mac 2 SNES 2 player Netplay game41:33

Joe and Mac 2 SNES 2 player Netplay game

Joe adventurin' with his bestie, Mac.

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